Why Severus Snape Never Answered Stupid Questions
by Emerin
Summary: Potter's curious and Severus has to suffer for it ::author sniggers:: x implied SLASH SeverusHarry x


Hullo Gentle Readers!

NO! I have NOT fallen off the face of the Earth, I have simply gotten LAZY! XD :ducks rotten fruit: OKOK. I'm SORRY, alright? I just haven't been inspired to write. BUT NOW I AM! heh

This is a quickie I did for my ex girlfriend ( quickie and ex are usually things you want in the same sentence heh ) that I decided was good enough for the general public to see. Its a Snarry pairing, which, if you didn't already know, has to be my LEAST favorite pairing. But for some reason, I've been ok with the Snarry. Blame it on Ladytron and Michelle :huggles them: I've got another Snarry in the works. ALMOST got it done, but you know me. Thinks most of my works are "almost done" and they sat that way for atleast a month xx. Anyways

"A & B" sex demonstration borrowed from some...other...fanfic...:shifty eyes:...I DON'T REMEMBER OK:sobs:

Enjoy and REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW!

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It had been a smashing day so far. He had received a new crate of his favorite tea, a book he had reserved forever ago on theories involving bat spleen had finally become available and two first years had pissed themselves when he swept grandly round a corner.

Yes, a smashing day. And it was only getting better as Severus Snape perched himself behind his desk. Usually the seventh year Slytherin-Gryffindor Potions class was abominable at best. Coupled with the fact that it was DOUBLE Potions last thing on Fridays, the two hours rarely passed by amicably. But this Friday had been very splendid indeed.

He'd caught Macmillan and Granger passing a note between them, giggling like lovesick first years. Watching them from beneath thick lashes, he'd pretended he hadn't noticed right up until the note passed into Potter's fingers. That was when he swooped down magnificently and plucked the folded parchment right from under Potter's nose. The boy stared at him with horrified green eyes and Severus had delighted in the expression for a few moments before slamming the boy with minus 20 points and a detention with him that night.

He knew very well that the Gryffindors had planned quite the party to celebrate some ridiculous thing or another, and knowing that, he'd forced the boy to spend the entire evening with him.

Yes! SMASHING day it was!

Glancing at the grandfather clock in his office as the door to his classroom was knocked upon, Severus decided that making the little twit wait about ten minutes seemed sufficient. He was late anyways, he could linger in the hallway a bit longer.  
After the ten minutes had passed, Severus gathered up a stack of ungraded essays and headed into the classroom. When the door was knocked on unnecessarily loudly, he stood behind his desk, rolled his shoulders and boomed out impatiently." Come in already!"

Potter slipped in, his eyes flashing in annoyance.

"10 points off for being late." Severus snapped, settling himself onto his stool, setting down the stack of papers.

The boy sputtered ungracefully, eyes widening in disbelief." But-! The door! It was _locked_!"

The older man sniffed, unimpressed, and waved his hand idly in the direction of a large pile of very grimy cauldrons. "You have until 10 o'clock to clean those. Start now."

Potter glared heatedly, stomping over to the cauldrons stacked against the wall by the stone sink. He tried to haul one onto the ground and ended up scraping it repeatedly against the one underneath it.

Severus spared a pointed stare in the Gryffindor's direction, " QUIETLY."

It didn't take a brilliant prodigy to know that the boy wanted to say more than "yes sir", though Severus wished he would've. Then he could've taken off points and he did so love to take off points.

A half hour passed by in relative silence, Potter's methodical _brush brush brush_ dancing with the Potions Master's _scratch scratch scratch_ of his quill. It was quite relaxing, actually, until a voice broke the quiet with a spell.

"_Wingardium Leviosa_."

"No magic, Potter." The dark-haired man ordered shortly, never taking his eyes from Weasley's essay. Honestly, did he even LOOK at the textbook?

"You could've said something sooner." The boy replied grumpily, setting the cauldron back down.

"I should think it be common knowledge after seven years of detention with me." He retorted, scrawling a curvy 'P' across the parchment.

"Well, how am I supposed to get the cauldron clean if I can't get it into the sink?" Potter said irritably.

Severus didn't even bother to read Longbottom's essay and went straight to scrawling another 'P'. "Use your broken hopes and dreams to lift it up." He could feel Potter's glare on him and he glanced up to fully enjoy the angry flush that was creeping into the boy's cheeks. "Ask ridiculous questions, get ridiculous answers."

Potter scoffed, moodily arranging himself to pick up the cauldron. The older man almost missed the following comment, gurgled as it was through a grunt.

"What was that?"

Potter dropped the cauldron into the sink with a loud CLANG! and turned to look at the Professor with an irritable stare." What?"

"You said something impertinent. What was it?"

Potter flushed redder and turned back to twist on the faucet. "I said I was better off not asking."

Severus nodded satisfactorily, returning to his grading. Which wasn't so much grading as skimming before scribbling P's." Precisely. Which is why I never answer stupid questions."

There was a brief moment of silence where Severus thought the boy had returned to his duties before he spoke up, annoyingly disrupting the man's concentration. AGAIN. "Stupid questions, hmm?"

"Yes."

"ALL stupid questions?"

Severus huffed and looked back up at the relentless boy." YES. ALL stupid questions. I don't feel any stupid question to be an exception."

Potter seemed to be mollified since he returned to his work, rinsing off the cauldron and moving onto the next one.

Relieved for the ensuing silence, Severus set to grading the last stretch of horrid essays. He was contemplating just giving them all P's and being done with it, when the thought of having to see the same batch of students again NEXT year stopped him. Two hours passed uneventfully when he'd graded the last essay. Gathering them into a neat stack, he pulled over the sixth year's tests next, ready to start with the P's.

His mind had lulled into a bored stupor as he skimmed each answer, checking off wrong answer after wrong answer. _Sexy Severus sadly scans sickening substandard syntax_. Sighing to himself, he scribbled an 'A' on probably the only partly correct test so far. _Pretty Potions Professor proposes persons producing poor products petrified_--

"How about sex?"

Choking on the mouthful of tea he'd sipped to quell the need to come up with more alliterations, he looked with over surprised coal eyes at the Gryffindor teen casually scrubbing off potion goop. "What!"

"Questions. Do you consider sex questions to be stupid?"

Now, you see, this was where Severus should've said yes and continued his smashing day. But since he hadn't been prepared for Harry Potter to suddenly say 'sex' out of nowhere, he in turn wasn't thinking clearly when he shook his head mutely.  
Potter brightened and Severus could feel a little black cloud forming over his once fabulous evening.

"What's oral sex?"

If there had been tea in his mouth, it'd be all over his desk right about now, for that had to have been the most bluntly asked question in the history of bluntly-asked questions. "W-what!"

"I said what's-"

"I heard you the first time! "Severus snapped, an uncomfortable heat creeping its way up his neck."What I meant was WHY are you asking me such a thing?"

Potter straightened up, wiping his hands clean on the seat of his pants." Well, I wanted to know."

"Yes, obviously." The Potions Master grunted shortly." But why ask ME?"

Potter shrugged and regarded his shoes, which were, to Severus' bemusement, speckled in sludge."I couldn't very well ask Ron, he'd either shout or faint. Hermione's a girl and it'd be too weird, same goes for Ginny, as well as Luna. Neville would squeak, Seamus would laugh and never let me live it down and Dean would just tell Seamus, defeating the purpose of going to him in the first place."

Severus regarded the boy blankly, his mind hurrying to catch up with this absurd conversation. " Surely the wolf would've been a wiser choice than I."

The boy narrowed his emerald eyes, though a blush was evident high on his cheekbones. "He's practically my father. As understanding as he is, that's just a conversation I'd never like to have."

Leaning back in his seat, Severus huffed and folded his arms. "So I'M cursed with this blessed event? Cheers to me."

Potter waved his scrubber about like some sludge-covered wand and made an odd sort of movement with his lips. Was that...was Potter _POUTING_? "I was just curious is all. There's no place for me to figure this stuff out."

Somewhere beneath the shock that this moment was actually happening, lay Severus' good sense. He should've just stopped the conversation there and got to work on a very angry letter to Lupin for not knowledging his charge. Honestly. He was a nuisance to society, asking such derogatory questions and upsetting his quite sensitive Potions Professor. But really, Severus' good sense just wouldn't make this story very fun. Hence its convenient absence.

"See Potter, there're these places called **libraries** where there are lots of things with paper and words in them called **books**. I'm sure you'll cross one atleast _once_ in your short, annoying life."

The messy-haired teen sighed and absently flicked a particularly suspicious purple-crusted SOMETHING in his direction.

If nothing else, the man just wanted to rid that disturbing pout and get back to his peace. "Merlin, what're the consequences of what I'm about to do..."

Potter perked up and grinned as Severus beckoned him to his desk. Steepling his fingers infront of him, Severus cleared his throat, trying to look as business as possible in face of the oncoming conversation.

"What do you want to know?" He asked directly, though his eye did a bit of a twitch at the idea of what Potter would want to know.

"Oral sex."

Twitch."Ah. Yes. What do you want to know about it?"

"What is it?"

Clearing his throat once more, Severus closed his eyes and answered as if reading from a textbook, "Oral sex is anything to do with the mouth of one individual and the genitalia of another."

"So THAT'S a blowjob?"

"Yes, that's one form of it."

"Why do they call it a blowjob? Do you actually blow?"

"No, its just a slang term for it."

"So what do you do?"

Twitch. "Ahem. Usually it involves licking and sucking of the man's...bits."

"Would you--"

"No."

Potter pouted briefly but pressed on, much to Severus' dismay. " What's 'going down' on someone?"

"Another term for oral sex."

"What's french kissing?"

"Merlin, Potter, shouldn't that have been the first question!"

"I forgot."

Severus grumbled several expletives before responding." French kissing, also known as first base, is an open-mouthed kiss involving tongue."

"Ew, so you have another person's tongue in your mouth?" Potter cringed, somehow ending up leaning half his body onto the desk, his legs tucked beneath his bum.

"That's the general idea, yes."

"So gross. What's second base then?"

"Fondling under the clothes."

"Third?"

"Oral sex."

"Why do they use American baseball as a metaphor?"

"Because its convenient that way."

"Why is your eye twitching?"

"Stick to the task at hand, Potter..."

"How many times a day can a chap wank off and still be considered normal?"

"At your age, 4."

"And yours?"

"Two."

"Sucks to be you, doesn't it?"

"...Potter..."

"Okok. Can a girl get pregnant from oral sex?"

"No."

"Do bollocks really turn blue?"

"No."

"Does shagging alleviate headaches?"

"Yes."

"Are oysters and chocolate really aphrodisiacs?"

"Yes."

"Can a chap orgasm more than one time?"

"Sometimes."

"Can a girl?"

"Usually."

"Is 7 inches normal wanker length?"

"5 is."

"Is that your natural color?"

"Ye--Potter!"

"Do you use product?"

"Potter, we're getting off topic."

"Do the drapes match the carpet?"

"Now that's just inappropriate and largely disturbing."

"What's the 'chin rest'?"

"Potter, I think I've answered enough questions for one night...and the rest of my life."

"No! One more! Please?"

Severus massaged the stitch between his eyes and exhaled, defeated." ONE more. Then I am Obliviating this entire night from my memory and you're doing detention again tomorrow to makeup for missing it tonight."

"How do you have sex with a chap?"

Not bothering to stop and ask himself why Potter needed to know such a thing, Severus sighed, plucked a quill from his desk and grabbed a parchment from his stack of ungraded fourth year essays. On the back, he scribbled something long and pointy and wrote an 'A' on top. Next to his first drawing, he added a second picture of a hole, labeling it with a 'B.' "Okay, Potter. Thrust Stick A into Slot B. Repeat until satisfied."

The boy pondered the drawing for a few minutes, another question already forming on his lips before his face suddenly brightened with dawning realization and an "OH!" burst from his mouth.

Potter gave him a lopsided grin, pocketing the drawing and slid off the stool." Thank you, Professor. That was very informative."

Severus nodded and warily dismissed the boy with a wave of his hand, already planning on a night of heavy drinking and numerous Obliviates.

"So, tomorrow evening, Professor? Same time?"

Severus nodded again, rubbing his temples." Yes, Potter."

"Great, that should give us plenty of time."

Looking up from his desk in apprehension, he dared ask, "...For what?"

Potter grinned broadly, leaning on one hip in a lazy sort of way." Research, of course. I'll definitely have more questions after it all, though."

" 'It all'...?"

"Lessons, Professor. Can't expect me to learn anything without some hands-on lessons." And with a final grin, Potter strode from the classroom, his hips swaggering as he waved back cheerfully.

There was a resounding THUNK! followed by a whimper as the Potions Master dropped his head onto his desk and muttered aloud to himself, Fate and probably Dumbledore (the sadistic, twittering old fool), "This is why I never answer stupid questions."


End file.
